


Sympathy for the Devil

by Vikkikate89



Series: We Are the Broken [3]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Depression, Multi, PTSD, Past Domestic Violence, Past Rape, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22304530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vikkikate89/pseuds/Vikkikate89
Summary: Tully's lawyer is pressuring him into pursuing a lawsuit against the prison, dangling the hopes of an early release in front of him. Juice and Lily are settling into their new lives together when one of the Sons makes contact with them out of nowhere. And Lily receives an alarming phone call about her ex.
Relationships: Juice Ortiz/Original Female Character(s)
Series: We Are the Broken [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/951597
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Part 1

## Juice

##  _“What’s the point?!”_

_The outburst had startled the group, each of them snapping their heads to look at Juice as he sat with his hands shaking. It had been just another meeting with nothing new. The same complaints. The same laments. The same words of encouragement that he was convinced did nothing. He had entered the room in a terrible mood, and while he knew he should, he could not hold his tongue this time._

_“Do you even know what drove all of us to this point?” he asked Dr. Chandler, his gaze fiercely locking on to hers. “Do you ever think that maybe… maybe some of us really are bad people? That maybe our instincts are right and we would be doing the world a favor by dying?”_

_One of the women sitting across from him, who had just spilled out her desire to help her family by dying, let out a muffled sob, covering her mouth with both hands as she rocked in her seat. He was gaining dirty looks from some of the people in the group, but he did not care. Nor did he care about the warning look in the doctor’s eyes._

_“That’s not what-” she began to intervene, but Juice was not finished._

_“And what about those of us who don’t have anyone? Huh? Just who the fuck are we getting better for? Who are we hurting if we off ourselves then? Got an answer for that, Doctor?” Something inside of him had snapped. Something he could not backpedal. Even exploding like this was doing nothing to help it. It only added more fuel. He jumped to his feet, angrily throwing on his coat, and stormed his way to the doors._

_“Juice…” Dr. Chandler called firmly from her seat._

_“Some of us are trapped in our shit, lady,” Juice shouted over his shoulder, his pace not slowing for a second. “Some of us are trapped and that’s all we’ll ever be. Fucking trapped because someone keeps telling us that we need to live.” He forced the steel handle down as hard as he could and stepped out into the night._

_His heart was a jackhammer. He could feel his pulse throbbing in his neck. His hands were clenched into fists, and with every step he took it became harder for him to determine if his watering eyes were being caused by his outburst or by the wind. Not to his surprise, the door opened behind him, but he kept moving forward. Whatever Dr. Chandler had to say to him, he did not care to hear it. He had already decided this would be his last meeting anyway._

_“Juice!”_

_The voice made him stop. That was not Dr. Chandler._

_“Juice, wait!”_

_He closed his eyes with a sigh, then turned around slowly, watching as a young woman almost slipped on the ice trying to catch up to him. He moved to catch her, but she regained her balance in time and remained upright when she came to a stop a few feet in front of him. She had forgotten her coat and as she stood before him, he could see her entire frame shivering while she hugged herself tight._

_He had seen her before. She was one of the regulars, though he could not remember ever having heard her speak during a single meeting. He quickly searched the winding recesses of his mind for a name..._

_“Lily…” he finally remembered. “Just go back inside.” He was remorseful, not liking that he had somehow driven her to chase after him. “You’re gonna freeze.”_

_She fixed him with a timid stare, her shivering growing more prominent. Snowflakes clung to her hair a they twirled their way through the icy wind, and her breath came out in thick bursts of fog. Feeling even colder just from looking at her, Juice made to repeat what he had just told her when she opened her mouth first._

_“I… I’d care.”_

_Juice blinked._

_“What?”_

_She stared at him pointedly, then repeated it. Firmer this time._

_“I’d care.”_

_He stared at her dumbfounded. There was no chance she really would care. She did not even know him. She had only just learned his name in the past week! No doubt she was just moved by guilt or that incessant basic human need to help…_

_Feeling his thoughts roaming too far again, he stopped himself, his face softening as he looked at her. No, he did not know her motivation, but there she was, shivering in the snow, unmoving even though she stood nothing to lose if she never saw him again. That meant something. How much, he was not sure. But something._

## Orwell

Meeting with the prisoners of Stockton, though it certainly came with the territory, was not a favorite part of Orwell’s job. Not by a landslide. As difficult to deal with as the average cop or prison guard could be, reasoning with half his clients, he often claimed, was the cause of his early onset baldness. But the men who had reached him that morning had been insistent and he knew making them wait, even while they were behind bars, would not be wise.

He waited quietly in the visiting room, hearing the familiar buzz of the door being unlocked while a large man in cuffs was escorted in. He gave a stiff nod which was returned while his cuffs were removed and he took a seat. Orwell put on his best business smile but made no moves for his briefcase, somehow guessing he had no need for anything inside this time. “Ratchet, is it?” he asked, extending his hand to the convict. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Ratchet waited until the guards were stationed back outside of the room, then leaned over, his arms folded in front of him on top of the steel table. “My boys and I been wondering…” His voice trailed off but his annoyance was prevalent. “It’s been three days and we ain’t seen any compensation on our end.” 

Orwell shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I explained this when we made the deal. You get your cut after the lawsuit. And the lawsuit can’t happen until _everyone_ plays their hand. Stockton’s already under extensive investigation but-”

“ **_That_ **, we’ve seen. Been makin’ life a bitch for the rest of us. Constant room sweeps, security footage review, crooked guards goin’ straight because they’re being watched a lot more closely… Makin’ it real hard for us to do business.” Despite the irritation in his tone, Orwell showed no signs of being affected.

“You knew that was a risk going in, remember? We talked about this. And unless my client finally finds his balls and agrees to testify...”

Ratchet leaned in closer, his tone dropping a few octaves as his patience thinned. “We did our part-”

“Yeah, let’s talk about that, while we’re on the subject,” Orwell interjected. “Your part. How well did that go? Because from what I heard, he almost died.”

They had been thorough, “scrubbing” away the tattoos, destroying their symbols on his body. But when one idiot got overzealous with the ink on their former shot-caller’s neck...

Ratchet held the lawyer with a firm stare. “Almost. But he didn’t.”

“Taking our victories where we can get them, are we?” Orwell scoffed but significantly larger man did not look amused.

“We did our part,” he repeated. “And the boss is gettin’ real pissed off, waitin’ for you to stop draggin’ your feet on this. If we don’t see our pay soon…”

Orwell held up a hand in defeat and nodded his head. “I get it. I get it.” He sighed, running the same hand through his thinning hairline. “Problem’s on my end but I’m working on it. Just… waiting for everyone to cooperate.” 

The con nodded his head and gave Orwell a meaningful look. “If… _everyone_ don’t cooperate soon… Might wanna remind him we can make the headline into an obituary when his sorry ass is back in our hands.” Their time was up and Ratchet got to his feet, still holding Orwell with a hardened look. “And you might wanna remember we got friends on the outside. Ain’t no bars to protect you.” 

As the con was led out of the room, Orwell released a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding in and closed his eyes.

“Shit.”

## Juice

It had been another late night. Lily’s screaming had started around 3am and, as it always did, it sent Juice running from his room and into hers, only to nearly be plowed over when Lily tore her way to the kitchen. From there, Juice just stood back and watched until she disappeared under the cupboard,then quietly followed her. A few hours later, he woke, slumped on the floor with his back pressed against the cupboards across from her and a hinge digging into his spine. The sounds of Lily crawling back out had been what caused him to wake and he groaned painfully, trying to stretch despite how stiff he was. When he felt a pair of eyes on him, he looked up. Lily was watching him with her usual look of embarrassment. “Hey…” Juice yawned, stretching again with a grunt. “Musta dozed off. You okay?” A nod of her head, though she did not say a word. She was seated, curled tight on the floor, looking small as ever as she often did when she was feeling frail. Juice scooted closer to her, positioning himself behind her so she sat between his legs with her back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and asked gently, “Need me to tell you again? ‘Cos I will…”

Another silent nod.

Juice let out a sleepy sigh and rested his chin on her shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Lily.” Another yawn escaped him and he knew he was going to need to call out from work, but that was not important right now. “Not your fault,” he repeated. “You’re safe and I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you.” He lifted his head a little and used his fingers to comb some of her hair away from her face. “Okay?”  
  
Another nod, but this time he could hear Lily attempting to quietly clear her throat. “Okay,” she answered. Juice offered a small smile, then gave her a squeeze.

After staying up another hour so he could call out of work properly, Juice headed for his bed. On the way, he peered into Lily’s bedroom and found her already sleeping soundly again, her face so much more peaceful now, it made him smile a little. He let her be and went for his own bed to do the same  
  
Some hours later when he woke, his back still ached but he was far more refreshed. He rolled on to his side to check the clock, then blinked when he saw it was two in the afternoon. Good thing he had called out. He really had been tired.

The apartment was very quiet, and he sat upright, listening for signs of Lily. Everything was quiet. He drew back the sheets and got to his feet, only to realize even more just how sore and stiff he was. The kitchen floor and the cabinet hinges had done him no favors. Grumbling a bit, he shuffled to the bathroom for some ibuprofen.

When he turned around only moments later, he nearly jumped out of his skin as Lily was standing there, looking at him intently.

“Shit!” he choked, pressing his hand on his chest and letting out a stifled chuckle. “Didn’t hear you.”

She gave him a half smile. “Sorry.” When Juice returned her smile, she giggled a little and stated, “Maybe I should start wearing a bell.”

Juice let out a huff and nodded his head. “Yeah, maybe.” Seeing her smiling was a good sign. Some mornings, after a bad night, she woke up and barely left her room. But sometimes she was back on her feet and functioning again. Juice was glad today was the latter. “Did you need something?” He realized then that it could be the obvious since he was standing in the bathroom.

Lily was chewing on her lower lip and looked to her feet, stuffing one hand in the pocket of her hoodie while the other nervously tucked her hair behind her ear. “I… I wanna thank you.” She looked back up at him. “You’ve been so nice to me and… don’t know what I did to deserve it. Just wanted to let you know I’m grateful.”

Juice felt his heart warm a little and he rolled his shoulders. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to you? You’re a good person.” In spite of what that shitbag ex-boyfriend of hers might have thought. 

Lily was blushing furiously and took a step closer to him. “I meant… the way you put up with e- everything else,” she stammered.

His features softened a bit. He wanted to tell her that she had nothing to be ashamed of. That he didn’t mind staying up with her on the bad nights. Or that he didn’t mind waiting on the kitchen floor until she was ready to come out of hiding on the really bad nights. He wanted to tell her so many things but all of them were just words he’d repeated to her over and over again so many times already. He was beginning to feel like they were losing their meaning just because he couldn’t get creative enough to find new ways to say them, no matter how true they were.

“Hey… it’s o-” He was cut off by what happened next. Lily had closed the distance and her lips were flush on his. Instincts took over in a heartbeat and Juice’s body went from stiff and startled to pulling her closer, his arms encircling her waist as his lips pressed back into hers. 

He hadn’t even tried dating since his release. Between therapy and dealing with his own demons, he knew he wasn’t ready. Not that he had stopped noticing women. Far from it. And Lily was pretty. He had known that even before, when she would show up to their group therapy sessions with a heavily battered face. But to him she had always been off limits. She was someone who was healing and needed to have the space to cope with her own demons. She was vulnerable and he knew he couldn’t take advantage of that. 

But feeling her there… smelling her cocoa butter shampoo and able to faintly taste the lingering remnants of mint from her toothpaste…

Juice slowly, reluctantly, broke the kiss, and pressed his forehead against hers. “Lil…” he breathed. He could feel her moving in again, but he leaned back, just enough to make her stop in her tracks. When he opened his eyes, the hurt he saw made him feel like an asshole, even if he was trying to do what he felt was the right thing. “Lil… I don’t... I don’t want this right now.” There were probably a million better ways he could have said that and he realized that when he felt her immediately let go and take a hasty step back to retreat.

Moving fast, he caught her wrist and cupped the side of her face to still her. “Th- That wasn’t… What I meant was…” Dammit. This was not the time to be stumbling over words and he knew that.

Lily immediately returned her gaze to the floor, her face even more red. “I’m sorry! I thought… I shouldn’tve done that.”

“No!” he cut her off, tilting her chin to look at him. He thought for a moment so that his words would come out with more tact before he spoke again. “Lily, it’s not that I don’t like you. Shit, you’re so sweet and beautiful… and I love hanging out with you. Really.” He smiled down at her but could tell from her gaze she was waiting for the ‘but’ to rear its ugly head. He sighed. “I don’t… wanna do this right now because… because you just got out of a bad relationship. I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

“Oh… okay,” she answered, nodding her head though not looking much better. Juice took a step closer to her again and wrapped an arm around her waist, his other hand still cupping her face.

“Hey…” he soothed, stroking her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “Just think it’d be better… if you gave it a little more time before jumping into anything. With anyone. What you went through was horrible and I’m so glad I was able to help you get out.” He rested his forehead against hers again. “I do like you too,” he murmured. “Just asking that we wait a bit. I think you should focus on you for right now. Still gonna be here though. Just like I have been. Okay?”

Lily nodded her head again, only this time when she looked up, she appeared calm. Still disappointed, but calm. Understanding at least what he was trying to say. She smiled softly and her blush faded. “Okay, Juice.” He released her and as she walked away, she paused in the doorway and turned to look at him with her smile just a little bigger. “Thanks.”

When she was gone, Juice let out a slow breath and licked his lips. He could still taste her on them. He hoped to god he had done the right thing.

Hours later, Juice decided it was time to stop hiding from the local news and turned on the TV. To his relief, there was only the weather report followed by an announcement of some local event the city was hosting. Nothing that particularly interested him, but it still made him almost smile. He checked a few more channels, finding content that was very much the same. Local news, weather reports, traffic updates… and no sign of that face he never wanted to see again.

Something about it raised his spirits, like a small weight had lifted and now that Nazi asshole wouldn’t be invading his life again. He shut off the TV with a smile on his face and went to find Lily. He didn’t feel like navigating the city but there was a farmer’s market just on the outskirts and he felt like venturing out to see if they had anything good.  
  


## Lily

Lily was shaking when she went to her room to hide. Kissing Juice had been a mistake. It had felt so good in the moment, but now she was kicking herself for it. She had acted on impulse and being told he did not want her like that was a splash of cold water. And even more, she knew he had been right. This was not the right time to jump into something new, even with Juice. Dylan was still very prevalent in her nightmares, though not as bad as her father. Even so, she was not healed from that and Juice was right. It was too soon. And… she realized it may have been too soon for Juice as well. She had seen his sharp reaction when that assaulted convict had appeared on the screen. It had been obvious that there were still some wounds that were too raw, even if he had been away from his abuser much longer than she had been from hers. It made her wonder if anyone ever truly healed from something like that. Or from anything like what she had been through.

Juice interrupted her thoughts when he knocked on her door, and she shoved them all down before she opened it. He seemed happier and it felt contagious as it made her almost want to smile. “Wanna get outta here for a while?” he asked.

There was a moment of relief. He was not treating her like their awkward kiss had even happened. Just another normal day and once again she had been over thinking and worrying too much. “Where to?” she asked in return.  
  
He smiled at her. “There’s a farmer’s market outside not far from here. Felt like checking it out if you’re interested.”  
  
Lily hesitated. She was still having a hard time leaving the house. The outside world felt so big and often too crowded. And a part of her worried about bumping into Dylan somehow even if she was not sure he would do anything at all. But Juice was there with that smile… 

“Yeah,” she finally answered. “Let me just get changed.” 

He left her to it and Lily got herself dressed. Checking in the mirror had become a habit when she was still with Dylan and she still found herself doing it in that moment. She looked at where her sleeves rested on her arms, if her neckline was acceptable, if she had managed to make sure none of her waist was showing... Before his abuse became more evident, Lily had made an effort to cover up and hide the bruises. But then he started beating her face and there was nothing she could do for that. Not even makeup hid it well enough so she stopped bothering with it. Besides, it always hurt like a bitch to put on. There was no need for those precautions anymore now that she was out, but it was almost a ritual to her now. And mentally, she just needed to do it.

When she finally left her room, Juice was lacing up his boots and pulling on his jacket. “Ready when you are,” he said as he stood up. She nodded her head silently and followed him out the door and to his car.

The farmer’s market was closeby, just like Juice had promised, and she was happy to see that even with the number of people, there were still some pockets she could be able to step into without feeling crowded. She still stuck to Juice like glue to be safe. It helped keep her from getting anxious and overall she was feeling fine. Together, they gravitated towards the produce and started picking out fruits and vegetables that looked delicious. When Lily’s eyes fell on a carton of raspberries, Juice immediately plucked it up and set it in their basket, flashing her a smile. It made her blush and look away, still feeling a little embarrassed. Then they went to the baked goods and she immediately went for a cherry pie. “I love these!” she said, her voice actually excited for once.  
  
Juice chuckled. “We should grab two. Then just watch Netflix tonight and eat them right outta the tin.”

Lily made a face. “What? No!” Juice was laughing and she shook her head. “We can grab two and you can do whatever you want with yours. But I’m not eating mine like that.”

“Oh come on, it’s fun,” he insisted. 

Lily giggled and grabbed the second pie for him. “You’re in a good mood,” she could not help but comment.

The former Son shrugged his shoulders and added some homemade bread to their basket. “I have my good days.” He gave her shoulder a squeeze and added some fudge before finally walking to the registers. They split the bill, knowing they would both be eating everything they bought so it was only fair, and then headed back home. They had only been out for a little over an hour, but Lily counted it as progress. In fact, it was making her feel a little more confident.

When they got home and finished putting everything away, Lily turned to Juice with an idea in her mind that made her a little nervous. “Juice? Could you... help me with finding a job?” He turned to look at her, a little surprised. “I don’t know where to look online,” she explained.

Juice blinked. “I can but… you know Dr. Chandler’s practice can help you with-”

“I know,” she interrupted. “And I am going to ask for help from them too but… I just wanted to try and see if I could do it on my own. I feel like I need to be doing **_something_ ** on my own.”

He looked at her for a moment like he wanted to tell her again that she should wait… but then there was a moment of understanding in his eyes. Like he had been through it too and knew what she meant. He nodded his head and walked her to his laptop. “First… you gotta be careful where you go. Some sites are shady but I’ll show you some good ones.” He loaded one up for her and showed her how to set the filters. “You’re going to need a resume too,” he added. “I’m… guessing you haven’t written one up yet?”

Lily shook her head and frowned. “Should I be doing that first?” 

“Not all of them need it right away so it’s okay to look for now…” He got the page set up for her, then patted her on the back. “I’m gonna grab something to eat but call me if you wanna check another site.” With that, he left her to look around.

Most of the offers were jobs she knew she could not do. Either it involved heavy lifting or a skill level she did not have. In fact, there was barely anything available that she could do and the few things she could looked miserable. Late night custodian, dishwasher for a restaurant, cashier at a gas station… Lily knew her options would be limited and she really should not expect much, but it still made her good mood start to waver.

Deciding to let Juice at least finish eating before bothering him for another site, Lily opened a new tab, wanting to do some browsing. Links to recent news automatically appeared on the new tab by default, mostly based on past web searches from Juice. 

So when a certain Stockton inmate appeared again in a headline, it grabbed Lily’s attention right away. 

She glanced up, making sure Juice was still busy and not on his way over, then clicked the link. Another assault. This time from the AB. Lily’s brow furrowed, and she started reading the details until she needed to stop because they made her sick to her stomach. The man had been scrubbed raw with steel wool, the article speculating it was to remove his tattoos. There had even been a photo leaked of the aftermath. She would have tried to think about the circumstances and why on earth the AB would do that, but in that moment all she could think of was the image now burned into her brain. 

“What the hell?” came a voice behind her and she jumped, turning to look at Juice who was staring at the image on the screen. Lily moved to close the tab, but Juice reached out to grab her hand and stopped her.


	2. Part 2

##  Tully

Waking up in the hospital was deja vu. The beeping of monitors, the scratchy sheets, the mattress that was barely above a slab of concrete. Tully didn’t want to open his eyes. He wanted to hope that the return to Stockton had only been a nightmare and that he had never left the hospital to begin with. But if he opened his eyes, he knew it could destroy that hope.

Then again, he was pretty sure there was little hope to begin with.

“I know you’re awake…”

Tully knew the voice right away could not help but groan. Of course his lawyer would be the first person he saw when he woke up. The man was a literal ambulance chaser. Tully opened his eyes and rolled his head to the side to look at the man in a suit. The sudden pain in his neck, just from the attempted movement, made him cry out and freeze immediately. 

It had been real. All of it. Those bastards and the steel wool... 

He had to fight to get his thoughts on track and resigned himself to being stuck with looking at the ceiling instead of the slimeball sitting at his bedside. “How long have I been out?” he finally asked.

“A little over 24 hours,” Orwell answered with a sigh. “They knocked you out pretty good when you got here, but don’t worry. I made sure they gave you the good stuff this time.” 

Yeah. A hell of a lot of good that had done. His neck was still on fire just from slightly moving his head.

“Good news is the surgery went well,” Orwell continued, causing Tully’s brow to furrow.

“What surgery?” he asked.

Orwell was quiet for a moment but Tully was certain he could feel a smirk coming off the man. “One of your friends managed to sever an artery while they were… well, you know.” Yeah, he did know. His hope that it had just been a nightmare was long gone. “Almost lost you but the surgeons managed to act fast. Took a few transfusions but… here we are.”

Tully tried to process what was being said. He almost died. Again. Why did they not just let him die at this point? It was obvious by now that even if he survived that attack, he certainly would not with another, eventually. No one wanted him alive anymore so saving him was a waste of time and resources. Unless if this was meant to torture him, in which case it was working.

And maybe he deserved it… That thought made his stomach churn and a horrible feeling rolled through his body. He had to stop thinking about that.

“And you just… waited for me to wake up. Hoping I’d come to my senses about a lawsuit,” he asked, not bothering to keep the bitterness from his tone. Orwell was the epitome of a scumbag lawyer.

His lawyer scoffed. “Is it that unbelievable that I wanted to make sure a client I care about pulled through?” Tully was clearly not buying that, so he switched gears. “You realize at this point what’s been happening to you is gross negligence, right? Even crossing the line of ‘cruel and unusual’?”

Tully could have laughed at that statement. “Have you even looked at my rap sheet? Can you even say say that with a fucking straight face?”

“So you’re throwing in the towel?” The lawyer was starting to get frustrated. “You’re just going to lay back and let the system continue to rail you?”

The choice of words simultaneously made Tully’s blood boil and his stomach flip over. “Get the fuck out!” he growled.

Orwell, for once, understood that he had overstepped and backtracked again. “Look… maybe you want to play the martyr. Guess what? It’s not gonna erase anything you’ve done. It’s not gonna do any good because when it’s no longer you, it’s going to be someone else.”

“And I’m supposed to care?” he asked, trying to remember where the call button was just so he could get a nurse to remove the man.

Orwell chuckled. “Christ, you’re heartless.” He shifted and Tully heard the sounds of papers being shuffled. “Okay… time to pull out the big guns.” The former shot-caller tensed. Those words, especially from his criminal lawyer, were never a good thing. “You don’t care about the average Joe getting fucked over? That’s fine. That’s your prerogative. But… let’s say it were someone you do know. Someone you possibly still give a shit about…”

Tully rolled his eyes. “You’re wasting your time. I ain’t got anyone left.”

Again, he could sense that smirk.

“Funny because… I did look into your rap sheet. And a lot of your other personal information. I’ve got to admit, you’re pretty good at keeping your personal life locked away where you think no one can find it. But… I found a little something in Tulsa that you may want to consider…”

Tully’s heart stopped. “There’s nothing in Tulsa.”

Orwell cocked an eyebrow. “You and I both know that’s not true. And… I’m pretty sure you know it’s only a matter of time before luck runs out and the police catch up.” He waited a moment for that to sink in. “Now tell me… you really still don’t care that this could happen to someone else after you’re gone?”

Tully could have killed the scumbag if his pain was not holding him back. Even on “the good stuff,” he could still feel it. “You’re a piece of shit,” he growled.

Orwell laughed. “You knew that when you hired me.” Tully heard the chair scrape against the floor as the man got up and leaned into his line of vision. “I’ll draw up the paperwork. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did this.” And then he was gone. And Tully wanted to scream.

##  Juice

“He was put in the hospital again?!” Juice asked, grabbing a seat and pulling his laptop over to read. The images were disturbing and despite what Tully had done to him in the past, it actually made his stomach reel. Not from sympathy but from the knowledge that someone could actually do that to someone else. Even a monster.

“It was the AB this time,” Lily said after giving Juice a few minutes to read. “Why would they do that? Isn’t he one of them?”

Juice was quiet as he continued to read. “Not anymore… it looks like.” He sat back one arm hugging himself and his other hand to his mouth so he could chew on his nails. “When they send him back, he’s as good as dead,” he said after another moment of silence. 

“Good.”

Juice looked over at Lily, not expecting a cold response, especially from someone who did not know the details. She looked back at him and her expression changed from blank to confused. “I mean… it’s good, right? He’s a monster. He’s hurt people. He hurt you. And he’s AB. Or… was anyway. He’s finally getting what he deserves.”

Juice thought about it and looked back at the screen. “Yeah,” he finally agreed, though his stomach was still churning. “Bastard deserves every second of this.” He shut the laptop then and headed into his room, shutting and locking the door behind him.

All the thoughts came crashing through his head at once. Everything he’d been fighting himself not to think about were there. Tully was a monster, there was no question of that. He was part of the AB until he was forced out and Juice had been tormented and raped by him. Repeatedly. No matter how much he had tried to live like it had never happened, the pain and the damage were always there, slowly poisoning his life.

And now Tully finally had a taste of what that was like. Being forced down and torn open by a brute who did not care how much it hurt… And not just one but five all at the same time. Tully finally knew what that was like. And even better, he was still being tortured. It had not ended in rape. It had gone further and would probably never stop.

A big part of Juice wanted to take joy in that. Finally, karma was getting back at someone evil from his past. Finally.

But every time he thought about it, he wanted to throw up and he did not know why. He had no sympathy for Tully, that was for damn sure. But being happy about rape… or even torture… He had every right to be happy about it, maybe. But… even the moments he indulged in those thoughts, part of himself felt poisoned just a little more. Like it was just another way his own trauma managed to rot his insides. Tully may now know what it was like… but Juice did too.

He set his laptop down on his desk and curled up on his bed, trying to get his mind to be quiet. He wanted to be happy about it, he felt disgusting for getting happy about it, and he felt worse if he did not let himself be happy about it. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled a pillow over his head, letting the dark and stuffy warmth surround him and shut out the outside world.

##  Lily

Juice had been in his room a while and Lily was growing worried. It was her fault he had seen the news on his laptop. The convict was something he clearly had been trying to stop thinking about and she had managed to throw it right back in his face. She felt horrible for it.

A few times she tried knocking, but he would not let her in. Just made a sound or said something so she knew he was still alive in there, but also made it clear he was not ready to face anyone. She could understand that. She was the last person to judge someone for hiding away. After a while, the only thing she could think to do to help make it up was make up some dinner. Maybe a hot meal would help them both. Turning to the kitchen, she began to rummage through the fridge and the cabinets until she decided waffles and bacon would work just fine. Breakfast food always made everything feel better in her opinion and she had a feeling Juice would agree.

As she began to cook her phone began to ring, but she let it go until she had the batter poured into the waffle maker. A voicemail had been left even though the call had been from an unfamiliar number with an area code she did not recognize. Maybe it was a telemarketer, she wondered, but decided to listen anyways just in case. What played on the other end confused her.

_ “Hello, lass… this is Chibs. Ye probably don’ know who I am, but I’m a frien-... an acquaintance of yer roommate, Juice. If ye could call me back as soon as ye get this, I’d very much appreciate it. I’d call him but I cannah find his number, an’ I should be talkin’ tae ye first anyway. Please call me back.”  _

The thick Scotish brogue caused her to need to replay the message more than once, struggling to catch some of his words. She would have assumed it was a wrong number and left it alone, but the man… this ‘Chibs’ had mentioned Juice by name. 

Her heart began to pound. How did this person have her number? And why were they looking for Juice? The timer went off and she turned to quickly get the waffle out of the iron before it could burn. The bacon had not been started yet so she had nothing more to worry about at the present, and ran to Juice’s door, knocking harder than before.

“Juice!” she called, her voice shaky. “Juice, I know you’re still upset but you need to come out! Something happened! Please!” She was panicking and knew it was showing in her voice. There came the sounds of scrambling from the other side of the door and suddenly the door was unlocked and jerked open. Whatever bad mood had remained was gone as Juice looked at her in concern.

“Lil, what is it?” he asked, catching her by the shoulders. Up until then, she had not realized she was shaking.

“L- Listen,” she said, turning her phone to speaker and replaying the message. Within two words, recognition filled Juice’s eyes and he tensed, looking as though he did not know what to think. 

“Play it again,” he said once it was finished, and she did, watching his face as he listened.

“Who is he?” she asked when it was done. “And why does he have my number? Are we in danger?”

Juice looked like he wanted to answer but had no idea what to say. Even he had no idea what this meant. “C- Call him back,” he finally stammered.

“What?!”

He gently moved his hands to her forearms and looked her in the eye. “Call him back on speaker. I’ll be right here listening.”

“But I don’t know him!” Lily snapped, panicking even more.

Juice sighed and pulled her into a hug. “I promised I’d keep you safe, didn’t I?” She did not hug him back, her heart still pounding. She hated this. Some stranger had found her number. What if he found her address as well? Even if Juice knew this person, he was still a stranger to her.

“Lil…” Juice said, trying to get her away from her thoughts. “Please. Call him back. I promise I’ll be right next to you, listening.”

She sighed, then made a frustrated sound. “I really hate you right now,” she muttered, stepping out of his arms and walking past him to sit on his bed. Juice followed, sinking down on the mattress next to her and watching as she hit the redial button, and then the speaker.

The phone rang twice and then there came an answer. “Is this Lily?” Again, she could see the look in Juice’s eyes. Recognition and this time some pain. Had this man hurt him? Lily grew worried again.

“How did you get my number?” she asked, skipping past the pleasantries.

“Lass, ye have nothin’ tae worry about. I have no bad intentions with ye or Juicey boy.”

His voice sounded genuine, but anyone could do that over the phone and she knew that. She reached to hold Juice’s hand and felt him squeeze hers in return. “What do you want?” she asked.

“I have some news that I know probly won’ be breakin’ in yer area, but it’s important Juice be warned.” 

Lily’s breathing grew fast as she felt an anxiety attack looming. Were they about to be threatened? What was happening? 

“Lass… please breathe. I didnah mean tae frighten ye…”

Lily closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to steady herself and not sound so skittish. “Wh- What do you want to tell him?”

“I don’ know how much of the story has reached ye, but a former acquaintance… someone Juicey knew from prison, someone dangerous, was recently attacked-”

“Yeah, we know. It’s been all over the news. Both attacks.”

“Aye, but there’s more, lass, and I think ye both need tae know about it right away.” 

Lily looked up at Juice and saw he was chewing on his lip so much it was bleeding. “What more is there?” she asked, squeezing Juice’s hand.

“My brothers have word he has a lawyer that’s workin’ tae sue for damages… and part of the deal they’re tryin’ to work on may include an early release.”

Juice went pale and Lily wanted to drop the phone and hug him. “R- Release?” she stuttered.

“Aye. I doubt he’d be makin’ his way tae either of ye, but I felt ye both deserved a heads up. Especially in case… either of ye find yourselves in Charming in the future.”

Juice spoke up without thinking. “The hell I would,” he said, his voice rough. “I don’t h- have a fucking death wish. I kn- know I’ll eat a bullet if I do s- something that stupid.” Tears were flooding his eyes and Lily scooted closer, putting her free arm around him. There was a long silence on the other end of the phone and Lily wondered if the Scot had hung up on them.

“Juicey boy…” the voice finally returned. “Ye may no longer be my brother… but ye will not come tae harm by me or the Sons if ye ever come back to Charming. I give ye my word.”

Juice sniffled and hid his face in his knees, unable to speak. Lily sighed and spoke up for him. “Thanks for the warning.” Then she hung up on him, setting the phone down and wrapping her other arm around Juice. He fought it for a while, then he pulled her into his lap and hugged her tightly against his chest, his face buried in her hair. 

He said nothing for a while. Just held on to her and sniffled. Lily knew he needed to process so she kept quiet as well. Just listened to his ragged breathing and felt her shoulder growing damp from tears. She rubbed his back with one hand and his scalp with the other. There was some growing stubble but she knew he would shave it off soon. He always did. 

When he released her, his eyes were still downcast and he looked utterly defeated. Drained. The day had started well and turned out to be way too much. Lily stroked his cheek and he rested his forehead against hers. After a while, she murmured, “I started dinner…”

“I’m… n- not hungry…” he murmured back.

“Waffles and bacon…” she continued suggestively.

A pause.

“Maybe a little hungry.”

##  Chibs

The Scot was not surprised when the call was cut short and he sighed, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. He was seated at the bar inside the clubhouse and across from him, Tig was passing him a beer. “How’d that go?” Tig asked him while he cracked open his own beer.

Chibs took a few swigs before answering. “As well as ye could expect.” He took another drink. “The lass seems the timid sort, but I imagine gettin’ a call from a complete stranger would make anyone nervous.”

“No kidding,” Tig replied with a huff. “What did they say?”

Chibs shrugged. “Juicey boy sounds dead set on never settin’ foot in Charming again… and she didnah say much. Mostly just listened.” He drained his beer and signalled for another. “They knew about the attacks in Stockton already though.”

“I figured,” Happy spoke up, taking a seat while Tig passed Chibs his beer. Happy pointed to the whiskey bottle and Tig handed it to him, knowing better than to bother with a glass. “There’s no way the kid’s gonna want to come back here. He’s better off staying away. Especially if that asshole’s getting cut loose.”

“Are we doing anything about Tully?” Tig asked. 

Chibs shook his head. “I’m nah sure yet. If the AB has severed ties with him, that makes him less of a threat.”

“Yeah but it also makes him an easy target,” Happy pointed out. “Things went tits up for them after we cut ties with those inbred assholes. Wouldn’t be surprised if Tully’s gonna blame us for what they ended up doing to him.”

Unfortunately, Chibs knew that was a good point. “Might pay him a visit then, in the hospital,” he suggested as he began to work on his second beer. “Decide what should happen then.” Happy looked disappointed with that answer but Chibs looked him straight in the eyes. “I know there was a time we wouldn’t wait tae… take precautions. But there’s been enough blood on our hands. I’m tired of it.”

“I’m not,” Happy grumbled, drinking right from the bottle.

“Aye. And that’s why ye’re nah in charge.”

Tig chuckled at the reply and tossed out the empty beer bottle.


	3. Part 3

##  Juice

Despite a full belly and Lily’s company, the thoughts Juice had been battling to keep down kept coming back. Trying to feel happy, then feeling guilty for feeling happy over someone else’s suffering… then feeling guilty for feeling guilty… It was exhausting and he was more drained than he had felt in a long time. And that was before even trying to think about what Chibs had told him over the phone.

Charming was no longer off limits. The Sons were not waiting with a bullet for him if he showed up again. But without them, why would he return? The Sons were his life and his family. Without them, there was no reason to return. And worse, he could run into Tully if the early release really did happen.

His stomach was churning again and he rolled so his face was buried in his pillow. Tully was raped. The images kept appearing in his mind. Tully had been through it now. He knew what it was like and what he had put his victims through. Juice had to wonder if that made any difference on the former shot-caller. 

Probably not. Tully was too far gone and a monster.

A monster… who had helped him stay alive. And ignored Jax’s orders to kill him. Even when he stood nothing to gain from it.

Juice rolled over again. No. He could not start thinking like that. He could not feel sympathy for a monster. Tully got what he deserved and that was the end of it.

And then another thought crept into his head. Tully was stuck in a hospital bed and vulnerable. No more AB to protect him. No one to protect him really except for maybe nurses, but Juice doubted they cared about what happened to the neo-nazi. It probably would not be hard for someone to get into that room and put an end to Tully’s life. 

It could be so easy to kill him. And then the monster would be gone for good. And maybe Juice would finally be able to stop thinking about him or having nightmares about him.

He sighed. No. He was not a murderer. Well… he was, but he did not want that in his life anymore. That chapter had closed with the Sons and he did not want it reopened. He had done a lot of horrible things with the Sons that he did not want to do again.

Another thought. He could confront Tully. There was nowhere for the man to run. He would be forced to stay still and listen to it. Juice could finally rip into him and tell him everything he had been wanting to tell him since his release.

The idea caused something to rise in his chest. Courage maybe. Or maybe the hope of finally being free from this. And even more, he would be kicking the asshole while he was down. There was no better time to do it.

And then something in the back of his head reminded him of how hard he had been working to heal those wounds. That facing Tully, even to confront him, could undo all the effort he had put into moving on, even if it felt now that he had not moved on at all. And what if he ran into the Sons while he was in Cali? Would he be able to handle that? Just hearing Chibs’ voice on the phone had opened the floodgates, it felt like.

Juice rolled over again and stared at his ceiling. He was not going to sleep if his brain did not stop, and the last thing he wanted was to be awake all night with those thoughts. And then his mind wandered to Lily. He was so used to being the one to comfort her that having the roles reversed had been… oddly cathartic. Not that it never played that way but that night had been different. He had felt worse than he had in a long time and she had been right there to hold on to. It was the first time he truly felt that maybe he needed her just as much as she needed him. And maybe he still needed her if he was going to get through the night.

After mulling it over, he climbed out of bed and made his way across the hall, knocking lightly at her door. There was a muffled voice on the other side, followed by a groggy, “Yeah?” Juice opened the door and poked his head in. Lily’s head was raised from the pillow enough to see him, looking half asleep still. “Juice?” she asked with a yawn.

He slipped through the doorway, then climbed onto the bed next to her, pulling her body up against him until her back was to his chest and he was spooning her properly. “Can’t sleep,” he whispered. “Can I stay in here?” 

Lily’s body settled sleepily back into the mattress and she yawned again. “M’kay,” she answered. Soon, he could feel her breathing growing steady again and he knew she was out. Holding her made him feel safe somehow and soon his eyes were drooping shut. His brain went quiet and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

When morning came, he was still holding her, almost like they had never moved from that position. It made him smile a little and it was not long before he felt her waking in his arms. He held still, a part of him afraid that Lily would not remember telling him it was okay to sleep there, but then her fingers were brushing over his arm and it made him sigh peacefully.

She shifted a little against him, enough that he realized his morning wood was pressing right against the small of her back. The groan that slipped out was unintentional, but he quickly drew his hips away from her, afraid he just made himself look like a perv. Lily was quiet and her fingers had stopped their movements.

“Juice?” she asked, almost too quiet to hear.

“Yeah?”

She paused as if she were trying to decide whether or not she wanted to ask her question. “Was… Was that your…?”

Juice felt his face burning red. “Yeah,” he answered. “Sorry… Just woke up and…” He trusted the rest was self-explanatory. “Promise it wasn’t you.” He could have punched himself. That was probably the worst thing to say. “No! I m- meant…”

Lily was giggling. “I know what you meant.” She rolled herself over to face him, giggling again, probably from seeing how red he was. “It’s… It’s normal, right?”

Something was off. Lily had lived with her boyfriend for… actually, Juice was not sure how long but at least some time. Long enough that she should know about things like morning wood. Especially if it was accidentally poking her in the back. “Yeah… Yeah it’s normal.” When she looked embarrassed in response, he considered bolting. 

“Sorry,” she murmured. “It’s embarrassing but… I’ve uh… I’ve never… ever.”

Juice just gawked. There was no way that could be true. Not only was Lily old enough that she should have done  _ something  _ by now, but she had been living with her boyfriend. Her abusive boyfriend, yes, but surely they had slept together during that time.

As if she could read his mind, she continued to explain. “Dylan… he was… he hated the idea of sex. He never even let me see him naked. He never even looked at me naked.” Juice was still staring at her in surprise and she sighed. “His parents… before he wound up in the system, I don’t know what they did to him but he was extremely averse to it. He didn’t want it and… I was okay with it, I guess. I still felt like… like he was protecting me and that wasn’t a big thing to give up for him.”

Juice had never in a million years expected that. And it made his heart hurt for her. Not because she had never had sex, but because she actually felt  **_protected_ ** by her abuser. Enough that she had been willing to give up doing something so natural that most people would have done by her age. To abstain due to personal or religious reasons was one thing, but as a trade off for feeling protected? He felt sad for her. He was about to question it further because he still could barely believe it, but she was scooting closer to him.

“Can… I touch?” she asked, biting her lip. “I’ve always been curious.”

He should say no. Even if she was innocently curious, he knew he would want more. And maybe she would too. And if he meant what he told her when she kissed him the day before, he knew he had to stick by it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, turning red and scooting back. “That’s… that was too far. I’m sorry.”

And then he felt bad again. It was not like he did not want her. He just wanted to do right by her. But then again, she had been deprived of this and she was only asking to feel what one was like. And maybe that was crossing a line just a little but... 

Making up his mind, he reached out and gently took her wrist. “It’s okay,” he said nervously, hoping he was not about to do something they would both regret. “H- Here. It’s okay… Just… over the pants, okay?” She nodded her head and he slowly pressed her palm over his crotch, letting her at least get a bit of a feel.

The way she watched was not lustful. Just honest curiosity. She did not even move her hand further, letting him set the boundaries instead. Eventually a half smile curved her lips as she finally commented, “W- Wow… I didn’t know they really get that hard.” Juice had to laugh a little at that.

“Yeah… it does that.” He wanted so badly to rut into her hand. He was thinking about what it would be like to show her how to do it. To finally let someone touch him for the first time since Stockton… He genuinely wanted it and that alone felt like personal progress. The thought of letting anyone touch him like that had made his skin crawl in the beginning but had slowly faded. To actually do this was like another bond had been cut. But at the same time, he felt wrong for wanting it. From her, anyway. He repeated his reasoning in his head. She was fresh out of a bad relationship and vulnerable. He needed to be supportive, not… opportunistic. 

Reluctantly, he pulled her hand away again but laced their fingers together so she knew he was not pushing her away altogether. 

“Sorry,” she apologized, avoiding his eyes but still smiling. “I know th- that was… probly weird.”

He shook his head. “Hey, no. I’m… h- happy to help?” They both cracked up and it was like the tension had already vanished. He wanted to hug her, but he still had a “problem” and wanted it gone before he got that close to her again. “I’m gonna grab a shower I think. And then, I think it’s my turn to make breakfast.”

Lily nodded her head and let go of his hand so he could get up. “Juice?” He turned to look at her and she seemed nervous again. “Things aren’t… weird now, are they?”

He huffed. “Were they ever normal?” When she did not look reassured, he stepped over and kissed the top of her head. “Nothing’s weird. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re cool.” She was smiling again and he felt better. “Okay, I’ll grab that shower.” He gave her a small wave and left the room, secretly worrying that sooner or later he was going to do something to fuck everything up if he was not careful. 

##  Tully

Physical therapy had become the two most torturous words in Tully’s dictionary. He had been warned the scarring on his hands could impede their mobility and that he needed to start having the therapy sessions to prevent it. To anyone else, the exercises would have been nothing to worry about. But every time the nurse began to help flex and bend his hands, he grit his teeth until he had to resort to swearing. “Mother...f- fucker!” His wounds were on fire and if he could punch his doctors, he would. 

“Just one more set, Mr. Tully,” the nurse assured him. “Then we can stop for today.”

The former shot-caller was out of breath and ready to break. He hated these sessions. No matter how much they assured him it was to help him, he wanted to tell them to fuck off and just let his hands rot away. Anything was better than more pain.

But he knew they would never listen. And worse, he strongly doubted the nurses cared at all about the level of pain he was in. Word had spread fast that they were treating a neo-nazi and that was enough to earn him dirty looks and cold demeanors. They did their jobs but begrudgingly. The one working on him now seemed to ignore every sound of pain and simply pushed Tully to move forward. 

“On three,” she warned. “One… two… three.” She pressed on his fingers, guiding him to clench them around the stress ball in his hand and hold it until her count was done, then release slowly. “There,” she said as Tully nearly collapsed to catch his breath. She ignored and collected her things. “You’re all finished. I’ll have someone walk you back to your room.”

Walking was another struggle though not as severe. On the outsides of both his thighs, there had been a set of ‘SS’ tattoos. Those were gone now, just like all the others, but they did not make him unable to walk. And the doctors insisted he stay on his feet as much as possible, just to keep the scars from becoming too tight. 

Soon enough, another nurse was there for him, making sure he was steady on his feet, then walking him back to his room. “I didn’t hear any death threats this time,” the young man joked. “That’s a good sign.”

Tully moved slow as they made their way down the hall, his pain tolerance at its limit. “Day’s still young,” he grumbled back, feeling relief when he was able to spot the door to his room down the hall.

“I hear your lawyer’s really taking off with the case. Surprised he’s not here today.”

Tully wanted to groan. Of course word had already spread through the hospital. Orwell had visited often enough that any chance for secrecy was already slim. Tully was just impressed it had not hit the news yet, but it was only a matter of time. 

When he did not reply to the comment, the nurse chuckled softly, possibly finding the silence awkward and trying his hardest to start some small talk. “So have they set a release date for you yet?”

“Just take me back to my fucking room.” Tully was not in the mood to talk. He was already drained and achy from physical therapy, and thinking about possibly returning to Stockton soon was the last thing he needed. The nurse took the hint, his smile gone, and as soon as he had Tully through the doorway, he left without a goodbye.

The former shot-caller let out a frustrated breath and began cursing and grunting his way to his bed. Truth be told there had been no talk of when he would be returned to Stockton. Ever since the lawsuit was officially set in motion, all talks of his hospital release date had stopped. Maybe the staff were afraid they would somehow be dragged into the lawsuit over some claims of negligence. Whatever it was, Tully was just glad he had not needed to discuss it with anyone recently. He eased his way down on the mattress and gave himself a moment to breathe. His legs were throbbing but they were hardly what was slowing him down. 

Ever since the Triads, he could hardly differentiate his real pain from pain he simply anticipated. Sitting up, standing, walking, bending over had all become such agonizing experiences that he had learned to expect the pain. It would blaze right through his core and stop his breathing entirely. Sometimes it felt like even his heart stopped. For days after his assault, he was afraid of moving at all, not wanting to feel that sharp reminder of what they had done to him.   
  
_ Just like what your punks must have gone through… _

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight that thought from his head. But even then he could still see brief memories of watching his punks slowly shuffle away after he was done with them. Or hear the way they would wheeze when they would try to sit down. He knew damn well that was because of what he had done to them, but now it was even more real. Did they also have to deal with anticipating the pain long after it had stopped?

No. No he could not think about that. Not now. Not ever. What was done was done and he could not change it so why even think about it? He certainly had not thought of it back then. What good did it do now? None.

Still, he had to ease his way into lying down, anticipating a pain that was no longer there. And then he closed his eyes, trying to focus on the sounds of the machines instead of the other thoughts that were fighting hard to take over his mind. But when sleep did not come easy, he gave in and turned the TV on, the noise keeping his mind mildly connected to the outside world. It was the one thing that helped him from falling too deep into his dreams.

##  Juice

For the first few hours after getting out of bed, Lily acted nervous. He knew she was still worried she had crossed a line and made things weird, but he did his best to assure her otherwise. Kept about just business as usual and eventually she seemed to relax around him again. He did not bring up what had happened, not wanting to make her embarrassed or ashamed. As far as he was concerned, she had done nothing wrong. He had given consent after all. And he had shamelessly jacked off to it in the shower after, though he knew better than to tell her that.

They were in the middle of a game of Scrabble when her phone rang again. He saw the nerves return almost immediately and he was worried as well. What if Chibs was calling again? He doubted he could handle that and he knew it made her worried as well. But when she saw the number he saw her anxiety grow.

“Chibs?” Juice asked, ready to tell her to send it straight to voicemail.

“No,” she answered. “Hospital.”

The fact that she was able to recognize that number so fast made his heart break. He knew she had spent plenty of time there when she was still living with her ex. It made his blood boil just thinking about that. 

When she answered, he watched her body language closely, trying to figure out what was being said just by watching her.

“What? When?” she asked, her voice shaking. “Is… Is he gonna be okay?” Juice blinked, trying to figure out who would have Lily, of all people, as an emergency contact.

“I’ll be there shortly.” She hung up and looked to Juice, tears welling up and her breathing growing shaky. “Dylan… He’s in the hospital. Tried to kill himself.”

Juice’s gut reaction was  _ who cares? _ But he did not say that out loud. Not while Lily looked so shaken about it. “I… I don’t know what to say. Is he gonna be okay?” He really hoped not. He could only think of all the times Lily had shown up to group therapy with bruises on her face and the hopeless look in her eyes the times he had visited her in the hospital. As far as he was concerned, her ex was an animal that needed to be behind bars.

“They said h- he’ll pull through,” she answered, sniffling. “I gotta go.” She was headed to her room to get changed but Juice was quickly on his feet to stop her.

“Lily, let them handle it,” he said, giving her a hard look. “He’s out of your life. He’s not your responsibility. Just… don’t go. This isn’t your problem.”

But she shook her head, wiping her eyes. “Juice, he’s s- sick. I know he’s terrible but he’s sick and needs help. And this m- might be the one chance to convince him to get help. He needs help.”    
  
“Then let them handle it,” he pleaded. “This isn’t your problem, Lily. Don’t put yourself through this, please.”

Lily shook her head, wiping at her tears. “I gotta go. I know you don’t get it, but I’m gonna go. I don’t want him to keep suffering alone. I gotta do this. Please.”

He could read it in her eyes that she wanted so badly for him to understand, but he did not. “Lil…” he pleaded again, but she turned her back and went about getting ready. Juice sat down on the couch, his mind racing with worry. Why did she have to put herself through this? Why could she not leave this alone? He was out of her life. It needed to stay that way. Part of him worried she was still in love with the ex. That made him nauseous. The man did not deserve love. He deserved his isolation. He deserved to be lonely and to suffer. After everything he had done, he deserved to suffer.

When Lily returned to pull on her shoes, Juice opened his mouth to try to stop her again, but Lily spoke first. “Don’t, Juice,” she almost snapped. “I’m going to go whether or not you like it. You can drive me or you can stay here. I don’t care either way.”

It was not like her to get like this. Normally, Lily was passive and quiet. Normally, Juice could talk her out of things like this. But it was clear that was not going to happen this time. He sighed as he moved to grab his boots. He would not let her do this alone.

“You’re only going to hurt yourself,” he stated flatly, his frustration rising.

“Juice, stop!” Lily begged, a small sob slipping out. “Either come with me or stay here but just… stop. I don’t need this.”

Juice had so much more he wanted to say, but he bit his tongue. He knew Lily was not going to listen anyways.


	4. Part 4

##  Lily

Juice was quiet during the drive and it made Lily squirm nervously. She knew he was not happy and was fighting with the things he wanted to say to her. But he kept his mouth shut and she was glad. 

But that was not to say she was completely without any doubts. She was well aware that Dylan still had a hold on her to some degree. She had gotten out and she had needed to get out for a reason. And the more time she spent away from Dylan, the more she had been able to process what had happened to her. Why she stayed, how he had manipulated her, even the reality that Stockholm Syndrome likely played a large role in it. And what made things even more difficult to process, she could not deny that at one time she really had loved him and maybe a part of her still did. Love was a hard thing to kill.

It was an uncomfortable thing to work through in her mind, and at the same time she knew she needed to.

But something never stopped eating at her, even now with some freshly gained perspective. Dylan was sick. It was not an excuse and it was not a means for her to justify his behavior. It was something she knew then and still knew now. Dylan was sick and needed help. Whatever it was, she did not know though she had theories. Regardless, more than anything, Lily wanted him to get help. Especially before he could hurt someone else.

Lily had no hope or desire of making amends with Dylan. Maintaining a safe distance was for the best. She also knew, however, that this could be her last chance to try to convince him to get help. Whether or not he would was completely up to him and she knew that. But despite everything he put her through, she would rather see him get help and get better than eventually wind up killing himself.

Maybe that was because of the part of her that still loved him to some degree, but she decided to ignore that and just do what she felt was the right thing.

As she took a sidelong glance of Juice’s dour expression, she decided not to even try to explain any of her thought process. Not now at least. He would not understand and after the past few weeks of having to see his rapist all over the news, she understood why the timing of this could not possibly be worse.

They pulled into the hospital parking lot and sat silently for a minute. “You don’t have to come in with me if you don’t want to,” she finally said in a quiet voice, turning to look at him fully. “I know you hate this.”

“Yeah. I do,” Juice responded flatly. “You don’t owe him a damn thing.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead, looking like he had a migraine. “Lily, you made a clean break. I know you probly want closure, but this ain’t the way to do it.”

“It’s not about closure,” Lily responded, starting to feel defensive. She shook her head and undid her seatbelt. “I’ll be quick. If you wanna come in, fine, but… but please just don’t talk. This is between me and him.” She saw Juice stir as if he were about to argue, but she was already working her way out of the car.

Lily had been expecting to have to wait, anticipating that maybe Dylan was still getting stitches or perhaps surgery. Whatever they needed to do to fix whatever he had done. But when she asked about him at the desk, she was surprised when the receptionist informed her that she could go right in and gave her directions to his room. At that moment her anxiety rose, feeling the reality of what she was about to face, and after having to ask the receptionist to repeat her instructions a second time, Juice stepped in, resting a hand on Lily’s shoulder and murmuring, “I got it. C’mon…” His tone had changed from scolding to something that almost seemed sympathetic. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze and Lily took a deep breath.

“Thank you,” she mouthed silently, then let him lead the way.

The whole walk, he did not let go of her hand, and when they reached the room, Lily stood still, staring in on what looked like a human husk lying in that bed. Dylan did not respond when she stepped through the doorway and Lily was not sure if he even noticed her. There was bandaging around his neck and she felt her stomach churn. How on earth anyone had gotten to him in time was beyond her now that she had a better idea of what he had done.

“Dylan?” Her voice felt too quiet and wavering, but it was still enough to turn his head. Barely though as he seemed to realize fairly quickly how much his injury impared that mobility for now. He looked at her, mostly sidelong, as if he thought he were hallucinating, then blinked several times before making an attempt to clear his throat.

“They let you go,” he said, his eyes looking her up and down as best they could. “How’d you get out? I saw them take you away from me. I told you they would…”

Again, Lily felt sick. This was not the first time a non-specific “they” had been the cornerstone of Dylan’s ramblings, and in all her time with him there had never been an explanation from him as to what he was even talking about. It was bringing back bad memories. Memories of being beaten while being screamed at that “they” were going to take her from him if she did not stop… whatever she was doing at the time. Or whatever he imagined she was doing anyways.

Dylan’s eyes then wandered to Juice and he seemed to shrink back, looking away from both of them. “Oh. They still have you.”

Lily looked to Juice, feeling lost and forgetting for a moment why she came even though the answer was becoming more and more blatantly obvious. Even Juice seemed to be realizing just how mentally unstable Dylan actually was. She moved closer and sat down in a chair beside the bed. “The nurse said you had me as your emergency contact. They called me when you were brought in.”

Dylan looked back at her again and for a moment she could tell he was more lucid. “Who else am I gonna list? I got nobody else.” His eyes lowered to the bedding. “But I guess… I got nobody.” He started fidgeting with the blankets, seeming to be unable to look at her anymore. “How’s the new place? Is it… are you happy?”

Lily nodded her head, feeling a lump in her throat. “It’s a g- good place… Got good people helping me now.”

“And the nightmares? What about those? Does he-” he glanced at Juice and then back down. “-know you gotta keep the cupboard under the sink empty? Does he do that?” His voice started to take that lost tone again. “I did it because I knew they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t understand. That’s why I had to do it. Had to keep you safe. And then they wouldn’t see and think you’re crazy. But they knew you’re crazy and now they got you. And they’re gonna get me soon. Gonna make me disappear…”

Lily hugged herself and shook her head as her eyes welled with tears. “Dylan? Please… Please tr- try to focus. There’s no ‘they’ right now. Just us. No ‘they.’”

Again, Dylan looked at Juice. “He’s one of them,” he muttered. “I know you don’t understand. You can’t understand. But he’s one of them and he tricked you. I tried to protect you from them.”   
  
Lily shook her head. “Dylan, no. He’s n- not one of them.” She had to play into the delusion a little just to make him listen and she hated it. “They haven’t found me. Juice is… Juice is good. He’s a good guy. And he knew you were struggling to protect me so he took over. He treats me good and keeps me safe.” She sniffled as two tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’ve been getting help, Dylan, and it’s helping me get better.”

At first, she could not tell if she was getting through, but then Dylan’s expression softened and Lily knew she was. She tentatively reached out a hand and took his, holding it very lightly. “I came to tell you I’m gonna go away again when I leave here, and I’m never gonna see you again. It’s my choice. Not… Not them.” She sniffled again and tried to find the right words. “But before I go away, I need to ask you to do one more thing for me.”

Dylan finally looked up and watched her intently. Lily hoped she truly was getting through. It seemed like it, but she knew that was likely wishful thinking. “Please… talk to the doctors here. Tell them about what’s going on in your head. The things you’re scared of and… the th- things you were protecting me from. They’ll want to help you deal with those things. They’ll know how to do it. How to f- fight  _ them _ .” She squeezed his hand gently. “The doctors are the good guys. Promise. So please let them help you.” And then her voice broke and she said in a weak tone, “I want y- you to get better too. I don’t want you to suffer. And I don’t want you to die. Please. Please let them help.”

A tear rolled down Dylan’s cheek and he said nothing, but not because he was ignoring her. Lily could see he was simply at a loss of what to say and that gave her some hope because it meant he was at least thinking about what she said. She sniffled and stood up, letting go of his hand. “I gotta go now. Gonna go for good. But I’m safe and got a good guy protecting me. I promise.” She hugged herself and offered a sad smile. “Take care of yourself, Dylan. I… I hope things get better.”

She gave him one last look, holding on to her faint smile, then turned and walked out the door, not looking back once.

##  Juice

Lily was about to break and Juice could see it. As soon as they were far enough down the hallway, he reached out for her hand and she clutched it tight, a small whimper slipping out. Juice stopped then, causing her to stop as well, and he gave her a light tug, opening his free arm to her. There was no hesitation. Lily walked into his embrace and held on to him, letting out a sob while he let go of her hand to hug her firmly against his warm body.    
  
“I kn- know you don’t get it…” she wept. “I know you think I’m st- stupid…”   
  
“I don’t,” he soothed. “You’re not stupid, Lil’.”   
  
“I don’t want him to suffer anymore. I want him to get help. I know he doesn’t deserve it but…”   
  
“Lily,” he murmured. “You’ve got a big heart.” He rubbed her back and rested his head on top of hers. “You have empathy. So much empathy… You have any idea how amazing that is after everything you’ve been through? That you’d want someone who hurt you like Dylan did, to get help?” He gave her a warm squeeze. “You’re not stupid, Lily.”

He stood with her for as long as she needed, comforting her, and when her tears seemed to die down, he said, “C’mon. Let’s go home.”

They drive reminded him of the first time he drove her home. The way she stayed quiet and the sad look in her eyes. Last time, he had been so sure it would be the last they would ever see of Dylan. Even now he was hoping for the same thing, but now he was unsure. What if she got it in her head again that she needed to help him? Juice had meant his small praises in the hospital but he knew there needed to be limits. Lily needed to let Dylan go.

Lily remained quiet all the way to the house. Once they were inside she went straight to her room, quietly closing the door behind her. Juice knew she probably needed some space to think about everything, so instead he decided to make himself useful and get a warm meal started. Grilled cheese was all that came to mind, so he pulled out the cheddar and margarine from the fridge and the bread from the counter, and set to work. It wasn’t until he looked through the cupboards that he realized they had no soup to go with it, so he settled on some frozen fries and preheated the oven. 

A little while later when the aroma of food started to fill the apartment, it brough Lily out of her room and into the kitchen to investigate. “Smells so good…” she said with a sniffle. Juice turned his head to look at her and saw her eyes were red and puffy, but her tears seemed to have stopped for now. Even her demeanor seemed more at peace. It made Juice feel a little better for her. 

“Wasn’t it my turn to cook though?” she asked.

“You can take the next two,” Juice said with a huff. “You had a rough day, Lil’. I can manage some grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Lily looked around for a moment and asked, “Well I can help heat up some tomato soup…”

“We’re out,” he sighed. “Already checked. But I got some fries cooking.”

“That works too.” She still seemed to be looking for some way to help, but Juice really had everything taken care of. Giving up, she settled for hopping up on the counter across from him, sitting and watching him cook. “I saw some news…” she began, her voice trailing off for a moment as she debated whether or not she should be talking to him about this. “About… About that prisoner.” Juice paused for a moment, then flipped the sandwiches over to cook the other sides. “Is it okay if I tell you about it?” she asked.

Juice nodded his head, surprised he did not even need to think it over. “What’s the news this time?”

“Your friend… well… not  _ friend _ but… that guy who called me?”   
  
“Chibs,” he answered.

“Yeah, him. That thing he told us about… you know who… About the lawsuit and an early release?” She paused for a moment, still watching to make sure he was okay talking about this. “He was right. It just hit the news. It’s actually this huge scandal. They’re mostly focused on the issues with Stockton, the corrupt guards and all that… but they are trying to also get you know who an early release.”

“Tully,” Juice corrected. “It’s okay to use his name, Lil’. He’s not Voldemort.”

“Who?”

Juice twisted around, staring at her in disbelief. “You’ve never…?” Lily just stared back in mild confusion and he shook his head, turning back to the stove. “I’m getting you the Harry Potter series, and you’re gonna read it.” He managed a small chuckle, which was also surprising considering who they were still talking about. “Anyways… Tully may get out early?”   
  
Lily nodded her head. “Yeah. People are pissed. Saying it’s wrong to cut a Nazi some slack. Some are bringing race into it too. Saying if he were a black man or any other color than white, there’d be no way in Hell anyone would be trying to get him out…”

“I mean… they’re not wrong,” Juice muttered. He sighed again and began plating food. “Anyways, all the more reason to stay the fuck outta Cali. I never wanna see that piece of shit again.”

“Don’t blame you,” Lily replied. “At least you’ve got some distance if he does get out.” She hopped off the counter to hand him the oven mits so he could get the fries out. “And if he does get out, I’d only give it minutes before someone shoots him in the head. The outrage on this one is big. Like… they really want him to keep suffering. They want him to rot in prison.” She shook her head. “I… don’t know how to feel about that.”

Juice finished up and started carrying their plates to the table. “You don’t haveta feel anything about it because it has nothing to do with you.” He paused, realizing that came out harsh and tried again. “Sorry. What I meant to say was you weren’t one of his victims. And I’m positive I wasn’t the only one. Fuck… who knows how many he had after me.”

Lily reached into the fridge for the pitcher of iced tea she had made earlier and brought it to the table. After she brought glasses as well, she hugged herself, the way she always did when she was anxious, and she looked to him. “Juice?” Her tone made him stop entirely and straighten up to give her his full attention. She looked worried and for a moment he was afraid another random anxiety attack was coming. But she remained still while looking at the floor. “Am… Am I a bad person for… for not thinking like that? Like they do?”

Juice was silent, not knowing how to answer that.

“I know he’s a bad person. I mean… I don’t know him. I just… I know what he did. And I know how bad it hurt you and how bad it must’ve hurt others. And that’s before even taking into account the neo-nazi thing and I know in my heart how sick and vile that is too.” Her eyes welled with tears. “But I’ve never been able to think like that. I can’t… want people to suffer. Even when I know they’re horrible people and that I should feel that way. I know I should want people like him to suffer and die. I’m supposed to want that because everyone else wants that. I’m supposed to want that for all people… I mean  _ monsters _ like him. But… I don’t. I don’t feel that way. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard. But I don’t like it when people suffer. I don’t  _ want _ people to suffer. Thinking about it always makes me feel sick inside. But I’m s- supposed to… Am I a bad person? Am I… Am I s- some sick... Am I too broken to think like I’m supposed to?”

Her words were starting to come fast and stuttering, and Juice had to pull her into his arms, hugging her firmly to try to help her feel safe and secure again. “Shh…” he hushed, stroking her back. “Lil’... You’re not a bad person.” He heard her sniffle and pressed her even closer, trying not to crush her. “You’re not. And no one can tell you how to think or how to feel.” He thought about her questions but felt lost as to how to answer. “It’s… It’s not wrong to not want people to suffer. And you still recognize that people like him are bad people. So, no. I don’t think you’re broken for thinking that way.” He slowly released her and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I think… today’s been really hard. And I think we both need to take a break from this.” Because he knew this was not really about Tully. Lily was still grappling with how to cope with Dylan’s recent actions. “So let’s just eat, and maybe throw on a bad movie or something, but agonizing over everything that happened today is just gonna make us both go crazy.”

Lily nodded her head, then managed to smirk. “Crazier,” she corrected.

Juice chuckled. “Yeah. Crazier.”


End file.
